the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
