Soap is not a condiment
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
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My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
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I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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