She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
