I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
