I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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