she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
