i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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