I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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