barbara walters just said penis...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
