Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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