She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
