i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
