3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
