you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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