Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
