Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
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I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
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I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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