Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
