nut hugger
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Semen is not good for contacts.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
