I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
