Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
