She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
