history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
