we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
