If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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