I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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