so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
