Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
