I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
