if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
