Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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