he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
