I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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