Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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