Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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