There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
