Define "chronic" masturbator.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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