Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
