what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
