She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
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Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
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I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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