Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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