I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
