marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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