my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
