Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
