The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
