I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
