go do what you do best...puke behind churches
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
