You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
