My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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