My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
