I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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